I Think I Finally Get The Ridiculous Misunderstandings in Romance Novels

 

As a reader of clean romance, I have been continually frustrated with the misunderstandings that many romance authors create for their two main characters, the big misunderstanding that is meant to pull them apart.

Of course, some of these misunderstandings – many of them, perhaps – really and truly are ridiculous, arbitrarily pulled out of the air by an author desperate to create drama and lacking the skill or patience to think of how to do so in a way that won’t make the reader roll their eyes.

In other words, the misunderstanding is unrealistic from anyone’s point of view.

However, the other day I realized that perhaps an equal number of these misunderstandings make perfect sense… to neurotypical people.

I am not neurotypical. I am autistic. I want people to speak to me with directness, no beating around the bush or polite white lies. And if I had a friend whom I knew could potentially get deceived by a former colleague, I would tell that friend outright, even right in front of the colleague, if necessary. And I wouldn’t care one whit about hurting the former colleague’s feelings. If they were a jerk known for making new friends, then using them and wringing them out like old rags when they were through, I would warn my friend about it right in front of the person.

Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t anyone? Jerks and con artists should be called out on their jerkhood so that they can stop victimizing people.

The scene that started it all.

That’s why, in a recent novel that I read, I got ticked off at the male protagonist. David’s old boss, Martin, had shown up to some corporate ball. Martin was notorious for stealing women away from the men who loved them, using them, then tossing them away, causing heartbreak all around.

So when Martin made a comment, out of Ellie’s earshot, about her beauty, David made it sound like he and Ellie were just friends and co-workers, at the ball as part of their job. He knew that if he let Martin have an inkling about his real feelings for Ellie, Martin would go after her and end up hurting her.

At that point, Ellie didn’t know how David felt about her, either. She only knew that she’d fallen for him sometime ago.

What happened was, Ellie was returning from the restroom at the time and overheard David’s callous remark. Instead of rushing to explain what Martin was about, David remained polite and simply introduced them.

Of course, after Martin was out of earshot, David tried to explain to Ellie, but in her mind he was too late. She refused to let him speak. Understandably so.

My autistic brain doesn’t get that kind of cow poop. Why are we worried about hurting the feelings of someone who is not only not a friend, but also a living turd? Who made the rule that you had to be polite when someone’s life might be at stake?

Then, I realized: it's a brain thing.

However, as I’ve been learning about how the autistic brain works and thinks, I’ve come to realize that one of the major reasons that autistic people struggle to make and keep friends is that they think literally. White lies aren’t part of literal thinking, or literal speech. All the social niceties and games that neurotypicals play for the sake of keeping the peace are also beyond the scope of literal thinking. This is why neurotypical people tend to consider autistic people as rude.

Blunt honesty hurts their feelings. If someone’s feelings are hurt, then by default the person who spoke the truthful words must be rude.

Don’t get me wrong. I know some things are unkind and unloving to say, true though they may be. But even if we autistics judge a certain truth not to be unkind, we learn to keep our mouths shut. We put on neurotypical masks so that we can make and keep friends. We learn what neurotypical people consider to be insulting or offensive, and we refrain from speaking our mind.

And it’s stressful. Very stressful.

Many other autistics, like my middle sister, never mask and say exactly what’s on their mind. Ironically, until I started to be too tired to mask a few years ago – especially until I discovered that I’m autistic – I considered that sister to be tactless and rude.

Now I know the truth. She’s never been capable of playing the social niceties game.

Back to romance novels. I now understand that my frustrations with the kind of misunderstanding I illustrated above have come from my brain being autistic. From now on, I will read such misunderstandings with better understanding.

That is, I will understand that the author is writing from a neurotypical point of view.

I guess I’ll never set the pond on fire with my romance stories, because I can’t make my characters flat-out lie for the sake of protecting a jerk. For the sake of creating tension and drama.

Even though I get it, really, I don’t get it.